So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I've sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again
- Bachelor Girl
i respect your privacy, i respect who you are, what you do and every aspect of your nature - the flaws, the imperfections, the intelligence, the humour and the diligence you have. i respect, the person.
i shall choose to speak from a more personal perspective, as it would probably convey my thoughts and emotions better. to be a friend, is a choice made by the individual. if someone were to claim to be your friend but ask for something in return, then he or she is no friend at all. friends are there because they want to be, they choose to be, not because they want something out of it.
to me, i will not stay too near, such that he or she feels suffocated and enclosed, yet, i will not stay too far to make him or her feel alone and isolated. i will stay just near enough that he or she can call me when i am needed, and far enough for when he or she would rather be by oneself. i know that to you, self-reliance is the way to go, that to depend on others is showing signs of complacency, of weakness, perhaps i've read it all wrong, then you can choose to correct me.
this is my opinion on self-reliance. it is more of a way to maintain one's individuality, to not succumb to the influences of our fast-paced conformed society. however, there is a fine line between self-reliance and completely isolating one's self and refusing to depend on any soul for the fear of having to do a favour in return. maintaining one's individuality and going into complete solitude are 2 very different things.
as Ralph Waldo Emerson said: "It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude."
there is a limit to self-reliance. on a more crude note, did you rely purely on yourself to grow up? to nurture your talents? to get the grades you've gotten? being capable and self-reliant are not the same.
it is not a crime to rely on someone. neither is it a bad thing.
i understand where you are coming from. i know what you mean. i can empathize. maybe it's just a phase, but i would like to see the old person back, the one i was fond of.
you do not owe us, or me, anything. the journey thus far has been a pleasure and it's not going to be over any time soon.
trust me.
"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough." - Frank Crane
what iAMY has to sing, has been heard.
the feeling is the pits.
you don't know where you went wrong, you don't know what to do.
i don't get what's happened to you. one moment your my best bud, my homie and the next second, you're ignoring me, hanging out with bad company and treating me like i ain't worth shit. well, thanks bro. sometimes, people just need wake up calls, to see who's worth their time and effort...
and who's not.
that aside...
i'm f***ing grounded. great yo. i told the (as he with the sexy love handles puts it, which i find hilarious) PARENTAL UNITS, about my grades and they laughed, and when my teacher tells them my grades, they kick me out of bed and blow up at me. and my teacher... ok, i ain't got nothing to say to him/her. he/she just got me into a whole lotta dirt saying stuff that i never said to him/her. petooey. so now, i can't watch tv (DAMN. it's not like i ever did before, just thursdays and sundays = 4 hours in total A WEEK.), 1/2 hour of msn a day (msn, pssh, whatever, makes no diff to me.), no going out with my friends (SHIT ASS.) and just study.. (EEEWWWW).
so, everything really stinks right now.
like karate. man, i used to love it, now it's all about winning. stupid mofo **&!?*&(&!!?$$#&)()&(&&??. i mean... they told me it'd be for the experience, for the heck of it. now they're telling me i gotta win something. i mean... aargh... is that all that this is about? my knees are injured so bad, i have problems walking up and down stairs. and now they want to send me for a few days in bangkok to train AGAIN. i mean, GIVE IT UP already. i'm FED UP. it'd be the 5th time i'm packing to go away! ah... whatever.
i never get to make my own decisions. i don't get to choose the subjects i want to study, i don't get to choose what i want to be, i don't get to choose the friends i hang ou with (actually, i do choose my own friends, and you should hear what my parents have to say about that.) they say: "you always hang with the wrong crowd! how can you hang with all these failures who're failing their subjects as well? i don't like his face, i don't like her dressing, but she's not chinese!"
oh eff.
so much for democracy.
what iAMY has to sing, has been heard.
Give me forever
Don't even think about saying goodbye
Cuz i want just one love to be enough
And remain in my heart till i die
So theres little more that i need
I wanna share all the air you breathe
I'm not the kinda girl to complicate the past
I want a love that will last
Forever
I want a love the love that will last
Always
I just want a love that will last
Want a love that will last
A Love That Will Last - Renee Olstead
it's funny how things sort themselves out after a while. it's strange how all we needed to do was talk it out. it's stupid how stupid we can be. it's embarrassing how childish it seems. it's queer how the cows and sheep live. X)
i love you.
what iAMY has to sing, has been heard.
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
(Blind - Lifehouse)
i haven't let go, but man am i cheesed off.
speaking of cheese, had lunch with the band -1 (hamzah was awol - from us that is)
Carl's Jr. the amount of fat i consumed. i feel guilty. it's ok. PE tomorrow morning. portobello mushroom burger oh yesireee. guilty conscience kicking in.
mgs still hasn't sent my parents the invites. how annoying. grad ceremony on tuesday. whoopdeedoo. how...exciting. me in an oversized blazer and skirt (that's what happens when you leave things to the last minute. thanks anyway and a lot justin.)
i just can't concentrate on anything. can't seem to focus. the longest i managed to focus was to write: FIXED COST on my econs tutorial. then i lost it. attention span currently at a negative. i'm gonna put on weight. i eat when i'm... nvm..
why are you such a jackass!? this is just sooo..URGH. there isn't even a word for it!!? that's how... MAD i am. as in... frustrated angry kinda MAD. not insane. this is where my previous post, you guess which, loses it's validity. URGH. i just could punch something. if i was going into competition with this kind of.. emotional instability and mentality... i swear, no one can stop me. i'd whoop their ass inside out and upside down.
it's like fluctuations...
anger
helplessness
depression
restlessness
frustration...
nevermind. not making sense.
my favourite song of all time... has got to be OVERJOYED - STEVIE WONDER.
and i bet you wouldn't know it.
sigh...
what iAMY has to sing, has been heard.
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you dont know what to say and you dont know where to start
Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right
Have you ever
Have you ever found the one you've dreamed of all your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care
What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world cuz baby I can't sleep
Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad you can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right
Have you ever
(Have You Ever - Brandy)
i have.
ever try to earn a place in his heart. he tells you you've got it and he'll always be there. but you're never too sure. you trust him, but something just don't feel right, and you don't know what's wrong when everything seems right.
i'm just a stupid lil girl in her own world.
why?
what iAMY has to sing, has been heard.
While I was trying to condense everything that I meant
In a minute or less when I called to confess
And make all of my stresses go bye-bye
Did you get my message, you didn't I guess
'cuz if you did you would have called me with your sweet intent
And we could give it a rest 'stead of beating my breast
Making all of the pressure go sky-high
Do you ever wonder what happens to the words that we send
Do they bend, do they break from the flight that they take
And come back together again with a whole new meaning
In a brand new sense, completely unrelated to the one I sent
Did you get my message?
(Did You Get My Message - Jason Mraz)
you know how people always say that they've emailed you something oh so long ago, or they did call and left a message, but you don't seem to recall any of those ever happening. lies i tell you. it's what runs the world. how utterly sinful. but i'm not complaining.
or am i?
how can one ever be sure if it's a lie or the truth, whether there is any truth in the lie or if there's a lie in the truth. just asking. when people tell you something, do you believe it immediately just because you saw it in the movies once and it worked out fine? like in the movie jerry macguire, the line: you had me at hello. OH REALLY NOW, i just somehow do not see that possibly happening in real life like it did in reel life. it's not a crime to be a cynic.
or is it?
makes one cautious.
what iAMY has to sing, has been heard.
italy won. sigh. they should choke on their fettucini and die. nah, kidding. i like italian food. i'm just glad germany beat portugal. it's quite funny that they scored an OWN GOAL, thanks to portugal's PETIT. haha. and yes, i do still think LAHM, KLOSE AND PODOLSKI ARE SOOOO HOT. world cup's over, goodbye football guys, hello JOHNNY DEPP. Pirates of the Carribbean's out on the 13th of July. goody.
today was a fairly annoying day. and he didn't make it any better. rather, he really really... pissed me off. sigh. i mean, what he said was rather insensitive and made his EQ a negative. but you know, as much as i get pissed off with him, it never lasts. i saw him at the void deck while sitting with the canoeists. i just couldn't bring myself to be angry with him anymore, although he didn't really acknowledge me, but whatever. i still love him. i just hope he knows that. he gets rather insecure at times, probably not as much as me. heh.
just had chinese A level oral exam today. it was pretty ok. i think i should pass. i just kept talking. blah blah blah yak yak yak. yeh, kept talking. was sitting with glenn, jason and krystabella. majority of the group 049 was made up of my math tutorial classmates. the examiners called jason cute as in, adorable cute.. i need to tell him that when i see him tomorrow. haha. it'll help with his ego. packed up and walked out of the MPH just to see glenn and some others playing basketball. hah. guys.
played football in the rain today. tribute to the end of world cup. ah. the eyebags will now cease to exist.
for now.
what iAMY has to sing, has been heard.
suddenly i'm seeing all these random people i've never in the first 6 months of being in AC. it's like they've suddenly appeared out of the blue. how scary. haha. yet it is interesting to observe these.. "randoms" haha.
i went to school on the first day and i'd totally forgotten half the names of my friends/acquaintances. how very sad. i ended up calling all the females: woman, and the males: dude. my sincerest apologies. i have since been able to recall most of your names.
for the first time in almost 3 weeks, i actually got to spend time with a selectively loopy fella. "tis was good"
bangkok was an experience. something that despite all the pain, torture and being pushed to the limit and out of my comfort zone, was worth it. it's the feeling that i've actually accomplished something a few years ago i never thought i would have been able to. now the big one's coming. in august. i'm going to be rather.. unnerved, uncomfortable, uncertain... and agitated.. so... for those around me, please do understand why i may sometimes have a rather short fuse. do not... aggravate, or you're just asking for it.
the world cup fever is evident, ranging from every tom dick and harry with a beer belly wearing a brazil / england / germany / italy etc jersey to the coffee shops being unusually crowded, and the EXTREMELY... BULBOUS eye bags from lack of sleep. i, myself, am guilty for throwing my brain out the window and becoming a complete football fanatic for a period of 3 hours thereabout, just to watch friedrich lahm play against argentina (in which they won 2-1, you know, JUST BY THE WAY.) ah, germany. all right then. i shall stop.
why am i still awake?
what iAMY has to sing, has been heard.